When you think about grief, what comes to mind? Most of us think about bereavement. The loss of someone we love. And that is, of course, a profound grief.
But grief in midlife is quite different, and very few people are prepared for it. Grief is our response to any significant loss. And midlife brings with it a whole collection of losses that can catch us completely off guard. Nobody really prepares us for this.
And because these losses don’t look like “proper” grief, there’s no funeral, no bereavement card, no time off work — many people carry them quietly, wondering why they feel so flat, so lost, or so unlike themselves.
Losing the Roles That Have Defined You
So much of our sense of self is tied up in the roles we play. Parent. Professional. Carer. Partner. These roles give us purpose and a sense of who we are. They’ve often been at the centre of our lives for decades.
But midlife has a way of shifting all of that.
Children grow up and need you differently. A career that once felt meaningful starts to feel hollow. Friendships drift. Parents become frail or die. Relationships change. And the version of yourself you’ve always known can start to feel unfamiliar.
This disorientation is real. And underneath it, there is often grief.
When grief isn’t acknowledged, it tends to make itself known in other ways — low mood, irritability, a vague but persistent feeling that something is missing. Does that ring any bells?
The Empty Nest
If you’re a parent, you’ve probably anticipated the day your children leave. You might have even looked forward to it a little. The freedom. The quiet. A bit more space in the bathroom.
And then it happens. And it’s not quite what you expected.
Many parents — women and men — are surprised by the grief they feel. Not just the missing of their children, real as that is. But the grief for the role itself. For the version of themselves that existed in relation to their children, every single day.
You might find yourself standing in the supermarket not sure what to buy. Wandering into their empty bedroom. Feeling a strange flatness at weekends.
This is completely normal. And it matters.
The empty nest can also bring something else into sharp focus: your relationship with your partner. For years, parenting has been the shared project. Now, without that at the centre, couples can find themselves looking at each other and wondering — so who are we now? That’s a very important question. And one worth exploring.
Grief in the Body: For Women
For women, midlife grief is often felt in the body.
The menopause is not just a hormonal event. It is a transition — from one stage of life to another. And like all transitions, it involves loss. Loss of fertility. Loss of a certain sense of physical self. Sometimes loss of energy, confidence, sleep, and clarity of mind.
Many women tell me they don’t recognise themselves. The brain fog, the changes in weight, skin, libido, and mood are not minor inconveniences. They can feel really destabilising. And there is grief in that — grief for the body that felt familiar, and for the ease that once came with it.
There is also, for many women, a grief for visibility. Our culture tends to value youth and fertility. As women move through midlife, many begin to feel less seen. That is a real loss. It is worth naming it.
Grief in the Body: For Men
Men experience midlife grief differently. And often much more quietly.
The body changes in ways that feel unwelcome. Strength shifts. Stamina changes. There may be health concerns that weren’t there before. And unlike women, men don’t have a clear marker — nothing that says: this is the transition you are in. So it tends to creep up on them.
For many men, a lot of identity has been wrapped up in physical capability, performance, and achievement. When those things shift, there can be a real grief — even if it isn’t named as that.
There can also be a reckoning with ambition. The goals of your twenties may not have turned out as you imagined. Certain doors have closed. And there is grief in that.
Our culture doesn’t make it easy for men to express this kind of grief. The pressure to just get on with things is strong. But unexpressed grief doesn’t disappear. It tends to show up elsewhere — in disconnection, irritability, restlessness, or a quiet sense that life no longer quite fits.
When Life Hasn’t Turned Out as You Expected
This is the layer of midlife grief that is talked about least. And it can be one of the most painful.
When we’re young, we carry a picture of how things will go. The career we’ll build. The relationship we’ll have. The health we’ll enjoy. We may not even be fully aware of this picture. But it’s there. And midlife has a way of holding it up to the light.
And sometimes, what we see doesn’t match.
Perhaps the career you worked hard for has left you feeling empty rather than fulfilled. Maybe redundancy arrived when you least expected it, or you find yourself in a job that doesn’t feel like yours anymore. Our professional identity can feel very fragile when it’s threatened.
Perhaps the relationship you hoped for never arrived. Or the one you built has drifted, or broken down, or simply changed beyond recognition. The grief of a relationship not being what you needed it to be is a particularly quiet and lonely one. It doesn’t always come with a clear ending. It can sit alongside daily life for years.
And then there is health. Your own diagnosis. Or a partner’s. The plans that have had to change. Health grief is complicated by fear and by the sheer effort of coping. There is often very little space to actually grieve. And yet the grief is there.
You are allowed to grieve the life you thought you’d have. That is not self-pity. It is honesty. And it is often the beginning of finding a way forward.
Growing Around Grief
I want to share a model that I find really helpful here — both in my work with clients and as a way of thinking about grief in general.
In 1996, a New Zealand counsellor, Lois Tonkin, developed what she called the Growing Around Grief model.
“People think that grief slowly gets smaller with time. In reality, grief stays the same size, but slowly life begins to grow bigger around it.” — Lois Tonkin
The traditional idea of grief is that it gets smaller over time — that we slowly “get over it.” Tonkin suggested something quite different. She said that the grief doesn’t necessarily shrink. But we grow around it. Our life expands. New experiences, relationships, meaning, and joy grow around the grief. The grief remains, but it takes up less of the whole picture.
This feels really true to me, and it is especially helpful in midlife.
The losses of midlife don’t have to disappear for life to feel good again. You don’t have to “get over” the empty nest, or the body changes, or the career that didn’t quite happen. But you can build a bigger life around those losses. One that has room for grief and for growth at the same time.
That’s not a quick fix. But it is a hopeful one.
You can read more about the Growing Around Grief model on the Cruse Bereavement Support website, one of the UK’s leading bereavement charities.
You Don’t Have to Carry This Alone
A lot of people arrive in therapy in midlife carrying grief they haven’t been able to name. They know something isn’t right. They feel low, or stuck, or unlike themselves. And they often feel guilty — because the losses don’t look serious enough.
But they are serious. And they are in real grief.
If anything in this blog has resonated with you, please know that support is available. I offer Grief and Loss Counselling. Therapy can offer you a safe, unhurried space to make sense of what midlife is stirring up for you — without judgement, and at your own pace.
I’d love to hear from you if you’d like to have a chat.
Take care of yourself.
