Anxiety is exhausting. The racing thoughts. The knot in your stomach. The 3 a.m. wake-ups. The sense that something is wrong even when you cannot quite put your finger on what.
But here’s something that might shift things a little.
Anxiety isn’t the enemy. It’s actually trying to help you. And the way most of us respond to it, by avoiding the things that trigger it, is one of the main reasons it sticks around.
Your anxiety is an alarm system
Your nervous system has one job: to keep you safe. Anxiety is part of that system. It is your internal alarm, scanning for danger, sounding the alert and preparing your body to respond.
The problem is that the alarm does not always know the difference between a genuine threat and an imagined one. Between a tiger in the room and a difficult conversation you need to have. Between real danger and the fear of what might happen.
So the alarm goes off anyway. And your body responds as if the tiger is very much in the room.
So what might it be trying to tell you?
Anxiety is worth getting curious about. Rather than just trying to make it stop, it helps to ask: what is underneath this?
Sometimes anxiety is pointing to something that needs attention:
- A boundary that needs setting
- A decision you’ve been avoiding
- A relationship that isn’t working
- A need that isn’t being met
- Something you’re grieving that you haven’t yet named
It is not always this tidy, of course. Sometimes anxiety has deeper roots in past experiences, in early childhood, or in the nervous system itself. But the question is always worth asking.
Why avoidance feels so sensible
Here’s one of anxiety’s cruellest tricks.
The things that would help, such as talking about it, facing the situation or doing the thing you’re dreading, are often the very things anxiety convinces you to avoid. And the more you avoid them, the bigger they get.
When something feels threatening, avoiding it is a completely rational response. Your nervous system is doing exactly what it is designed to do, which is moving you away from danger.
The problem is that anxiety does not always know the difference between actual danger and something that simply feels uncomfortable. A difficult conversation. A social situation. Checking your emails. Opening a letter.
So your nervous system treats them all the same way. Avoid. Retreat. Feel better, at least temporarily.
Why avoidance makes anxiety worse
Here is what happens when you avoid something that anxiety has flagged as threatening.
In the short term, you feel relief. The knot in your stomach loosens and you feel safe again.
In the longer term, the anxiety grows. Avoidance sends your nervous system a very clear message: that thing really was dangerous. Next time, the alarm goes off even louder.
Over time, the list of things you are avoiding gets longer. Your world gets smaller. And anxiety, ironically, gets bigger.
Avoidance is a bit like pressing the snooze button. The alarm goes quiet for a while, and then it comes back louder.
Why pushing it away makes it louder
Most of us try to manage anxiety by pushing it down, distracting ourselves or waiting for it to pass. And sometimes that works for a while.
But what anxiety usually needs is not suppression. It needs understanding. It needs someone to sit with it and ask: what are you trying to say?
The feelings do not go away just because we stop looking at them. They tend to resurface, often at inconvenient moments and often louder than before. If the voice that shows up when anxiety peaks is your own inner critic, it might be worth reading this.
What actually helps
The answer, and this is the part nobody loves, is to gently move toward the things anxiety is telling you to avoid.
Not all at once. Not in a way that leaves you flooded and overwhelmed.
But gradually and carefully, with support, learning to tolerate the discomfort long enough to discover that you are safe. That the thing you were dreading did not destroy you.
Every time you do that, the alarm gets a little quieter. If you are looking for practical ways to begin, these three mindfulness techniques are a gentle place to start.
A different way of looking at it: ACT and the Choice Point
One approach that can be genuinely helpful with anxiety is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, or ACT. Rather than trying to get rid of anxious thoughts and feelings, ACT invites you to notice them differently and to choose how you respond, even when they are present. I use ACT a lot in my therapy practice and in my everyday life!
Dr Russ Harris, author of The Happiness Trap, developed a simple tool within ACT called the Choice Point. The idea is straightforward. At any moment when anxiety shows up, you have a choice between two kinds of response. You can make an away move, doing something to escape the discomfort, or a toward move, taking a step in the direction of what genuinely matters to you.
Take social anxiety as an example. You have been invited to a party. Inside, your mind is generating thoughts like everyone will notice how awkward I am, or I will not know what to say. Those thoughts feel very real and very loud. So you decline the invitation. That is an away move. Short-term relief, but you have moved away from something that matters to you, connection with other people, and the anxiety learns once again that social situations are dangerous.
The Choice Point helps you to see that pattern clearly and, over time, to make a different decision. Not by silencing the anxious thoughts, but by noticing them and taking a small step toward what matters anyway.
It is a small shift in perspective, but it can be a significant one. You can find out more about Russ Harris and his work at thehappinesstrap.com.
How therapy can help
Therapy gives you the space to do exactly that. Not to be told to breathe deeply and think positively, but to genuinely explore what is going on underneath the anxiety, where it comes from, what it is protecting and how to work with it rather than against it.
It also provides a safe space to begin facing the things anxiety has been telling you to avoid, at a pace that works for you and with someone alongside you who understands what is happening.
You do not have to work your way through it alone. If you are wondering what that actually looks like in practice, this might help.
If anxiety is making your daily life harder than it needs to be and you are tired of avoiding things, tired of the alarm going off and tired of waiting for it to just stop, you do not have to put up with it.
I work with individuals face-to-face at my office in Wilmslow, online over Zoom or Teams, and I also walk with people. Please do get in touch.
I look forward to hearing from you.
