It’s a time of transition for lots of us, with children going back to school and older children going off to University. When your child goes to University, or starts a new school, the whole family has to adjust.
By now, in early October, the first-day photos have been taken, the new shoes are already scuffed and the car has long since been unpacked at halls. Everyone is supposed to have settled in. For many parents, though, this is exactly when the feelings start to catch up.
A whole mix of feelings
There are lots of feelings that might be going on around this. It can be a combination of happiness at seeing them thriving and flourishing, alongside grief, loneliness, sadness and also maybe relief (tinged, of course, with guilt for feeling relief!).
These feelings don’t take turns. You can be proud and bereft in the same afternoon, or enjoy a tidy, quiet house and miss the noise terribly. Two parents in the same home can feel quite differently, too.
The force of these feelings can take you by surprise, and can be overwhelming and painful. It is often called empty nest syndrome, though you don’t need an empty house to feel it. None of it means something is wrong with you, or with your relationship with your child.
I know this from my own experience. I have been through it twice, when my older two children went to University. What I remember most is getting up in the night and seeing a bedroom door standing open, with an empty room behind it.
All being well, my youngest will go next year, so hopefully I will be taking my own advice all over again.
Why it can hit a few weeks in
September is busy. There are lists to work through, things to organise and to buy, timetables to learn and lifts to organise. Being busy keeps feelings at arm’s length.
Then the practical jobs run out, and ordinary life begins. There is one less place at the table, less washing, no chat in the car on the way home. The house is quieter at the times it used to be loudest.
Your child’s own settling-in plays a part as well. Younger children at school are often tired and tearful by now, once the novelty of a new class has worn off.
For students, a homesick phone call can leave you worrying for days. So can no phone call at all. Some will already have been home for a visit because they haven’t settled yet, and that can be worrying too. An early trip home doesn’t mean University isn’t going to work out. Some people take much longer to settle in than others.
So if you felt fine in September and feel wobbly now, you’re in good company.
A little bit of theory
One approach I work with is Transactional Analysis (TA), and two of its ideas help explain why this stage can feel so big.
Eric Berne, who founded TA, said we all hunger for recognition. He called each unit of recognition a “stroke”: a hug, a “what’s for tea?”, even an eye-roll across the kitchen. Children give us strokes all day long. When they leave, or simply need us less, a large daily supply goes with them.
Berne also said we hunger for structure, for ways to fill our time. Family life hands us that structure without our having to think about it: the school run, the meals, the lifts. Take it away and the hours can feel shapeless.
So what can we do?
I think the first thing is that, whatever stage your child is at, whether it’s pre-school, starting high school, university, or first job, we need to acknowledge that parent-child relationships change!
From the day they are born, part of our job is helping them need us a little less. Each new stage asks us to step back a bit further, and that can hurt even when it is going well.
Changing is not the same as ending. You are still their parent. The role moves from organising their days to being someone they can come back to. It’s fine to miss the earlier version while you both work out the new one.
Other ways to cope when your child goes to University
- Agree how you’ll keep in touch. If your child has gone off to University, have a proper discussion about how you’ll keep in touch and how often feels OK for both of you. Get some clarity around it. It might be a Sunday phone call, a family group chat, or a photo of what they cooked for tea. Ask what they would like, and be ready for the answer to be a bit less than you’d hoped. A few weeks in is a good time to check whether the arrangement is working.
- Put some structure around your days. If you now have some free time, it can feel empty before it feels freeing. Plan the slots that used to be theirs: the school-run hour, the early evening, Saturday morning stuff. Even a walk at the same time each day helps the day feel purposeful.
- Connect with others. Reach out to your partner, family and friends about how you are feeling. Other parents at the same stage are often relieved that someone else said it first. Get some social things in your diary to look forward to.
- Embark on something new. Perhaps a new class, a new sport or a new hobby. It doesn’t need to be big. The point is to have something that is yours, maybe something you put off while family life took up all the room.
- Look after the basics. With fewer people to cook for, it’s easy to skip meals or live on toast. Regular meals, decent sleep and some fresh air make hard feelings easier to carry.
- Be patient with yourself. Adjusting to change takes time! Expect good days and wobbly days, sometimes in the same week. There is no deadline for feeling settled.
When it might help to talk to someone
For most of us, these feelings ease as the new routine becomes familiar. Sometimes they don’t. A change like this can also stir up older losses, or questions about who you are now that day-to-day parenting takes up less of your life.
If the sadness isn’t lifting, or it is getting in the way of sleeping, eating or enjoying things, it’s worth talking to your GP or a counsellor. You don’t have to wait until things feel unmanageable.
I offer counselling in Wilmslow, online and around and about in Greater Manchester for walking therapy. If you’d like to talk any of this through, you are very welcome to get in touch.
