If you’ve read my blog on the 6 stages of a relationship, you’ll know that the power struggle is the stage most couples reach once the early glow fades- the moment when the differences between you suddenly feel much more like friction than fascination.
It’s one of the most common reasons people come to see me, or they would be if they sought help. Many don’t. Instead, they sit with the discomfort alone, quietly assuming the struggle means something is fundamentally wrong. That they’ve chosen badly. That the relationship isn’t right, or that they aren’t right for each other.
I want to offer a different perspective, because in my years of supporting people through this stage, I’ve seen it again and again, and it is very rarely the ending it feels like at the time.
The power struggle, as uncomfortable and painful as it is, is not a sign that you’ve failed. It’s a sign that you’re human, and that your relationship has moved past the honeymoon period into something far more real. With the right support and understanding, it can become the most growth-filled stage a relationship passes through.
What Is the Power Struggle Stage of a Relationship?
The power struggle stage typically follows the “romance” and “reality” stages described in the 6 stages of a relationship. It’s the point where the novelty of early love has worn off, and both people start to notice, and react to, each other’s differences, habits, and needs in a way they didn’t before.
It can show up as more frequent arguments, walking on eggshells, feeling unheard, or a creeping resentment that seems to appear out of nowhere. Many people describe it as feeling like strangers to someone they once felt completely at ease with.
What’s Really Happening in the Struggle
When the honeymoon hormones settle, something interesting happens. The very qualities that drew you to your partner can start to feel like the things that drive you most crazy.
The carefree spontaneity that felt so exciting now looks like irresponsibility. The dependability that felt so safe now feels like rigidity. The attention that felt like love now feels like suffocation.
This isn’t random, and it isn’t a coincidence. You were attracted to these qualities for a reason, often because they offered something you needed, or something that balanced out a part of yourself. Now the relationship itself is inviting you to understand that reason more deeply.
At its heart, the power struggle is usually two people with different early wounds and different coping strategies, both trying to get their needs met within the same relationship, without yet having the tools to do it consciously.
Common Signs You’re in a Power Struggle
Every couple’s power struggle looks a little different, but there are some patterns I see time and again in my practice:
- Small disagreements escalate quickly into bigger arguments about “everything”
- You feel criticised for the same qualities your partner once admired in you
- Conversations turn into point-scoring rather than problem-solving
- One or both of you start withdrawing, going quiet, or avoiding certain topics altogether
- You find yourselves keeping score of who does more, gives more, or compromises more
- A sense of loneliness creeps in, even though you’re still together
If several of these sound familiar, you’re not alone, and it doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. It usually means you’ve simply reached this stage, like every long-term couple eventually does.
The Exits We Take
When connection feels painful or unsafe, most of us take what I’d call relational exits. We work longer hours. We lose ourselves in our phones. We focus intensely on the children, or friends, or hobbies. Anything to relieve the tension without actually addressing it.
These exits are understandable, and often unconscious. Nobody sets out to avoid their partner. But they widen the distance, and the longer that distance grows, the harder it can feel to bridge it.
The alternative, which is harder in the short term and transformative in the long term, is to turn towards each other instead of away. To use the struggle as a doorway rather than a wall.
What Turning It Around Actually Looks Like
It starts with curiosity, not blame. Instead of “why do you always do this?” try “I wonder what’s going on for you when this happens.” That small shift changes the entire tone of a conversation, from attack and defence to genuine exploration.
It involves each person being willing to look at their own part, not as an admission of fault but as a genuine recognition that every dynamic is co-created. Both people bring their history, their wounds, and their own way of coping into the relationship, often without realising it.
It also usually benefits enormously from having a space of your own, in therapy, where you can be honest about what’s really going on for you without it immediately becoming another argument at home. I work with individuals rather than couples, so this is space just for you: to slow down, understand your part in the pattern, and think about how you want to show up differently with your partner.
How Therapy Can Help During the Power Struggle
In my work with people navigating this stage, we focus on three things:
- Understanding the pattern. You and your partner can get stuck in the same argument, wearing different clothes. Once you can name the pattern, it loses much of its power over you.
- Reconnecting with empathy. Learning to hear the fear, hurt, or need underneath your partner’s behaviour, rather than reacting to the behaviour itself.
- Building new tools together. Practical ways of communicating, repairing after conflict, and meeting each other’s needs that neither of you may have had modelled growing up.
The people I’ve seen do this work, who stay with the discomfort rather than retreating from it, often describe their relationship coming out the other side as deeper, more honest, and more genuinely connected than it was even in those early, heady days.
Frequently Asked Questions
How long does the power struggle stage last?
There’s no fixed timeline. For some couples it lasts months, for others it can continue for years if the underlying patterns aren’t addressed. With support, many couples move through the most intense part of it within a few months of consistent work.
Is the power struggle a sign we’re not compatible?
Not at all. Almost every long-term couple passes through this stage in some form. It’s less about compatibility and more about how well you’re able to understand and respond to each other’s needs and wounds.
Can I get through the power struggle without therapy?
Some people do work through it without support, particularly if they and their partner are able to communicate openly and each take responsibility for their own part. Many others find that having their own space to explore what’s happening, for them and within the relationship, helps them break old patterns and show up differently with their partner.
Do you offer couples therapy?
No, I work with individuals rather than couples. If you’re struggling in your relationship, we’d work together one-to-one on understanding your part in the pattern, what you need, and how you want to move forward, whether that’s within the relationship or beyond it.
The Struggle Doesn’t Have to Be the End
The struggle doesn’t have to be the end. It can be the beginning of something much better: a relationship built on genuine understanding rather than early infatuation alone.
If you’re in the struggle right now and wondering where to turn, why not get in touch. You can also read more about what typically comes next in the 6 stages of a relationship.
I offer therapy in person or online, in my office in Wilmslow, or out and about during walking therapy across Greater Manchester and Cheshire.
I cover: Anger and rage; Anxiety; Bereavement and loss; Challenges with work or study; Depression; Family difficulties; Feeling stuck and dissatisfied; Food, eating and weight-related issues; Health matters; Infidelity; Intrusive thoughts; Low self-confidence and self-esteem; Loneliness; Parenting challenges; Postnatal depression; Relationship difficulties; and Stress.
